The Emotional Toll of Favoritism on Estranged Adult Children
Favoritism in families is an often-underestimated source of emotional pain and damage, particularly when there is estrangement between a parent and one of their adult children. When parents consciously or unconsciously play favorites between their estranged and non-estranged children, it can deepen the rift in the family, creating lasting scars that affect all parties involved. As a certified estrangement coach, I frequently see the profound impact this dynamic has on both the favored and unfavored children, as well as the parent-child relationship.
Understanding Favoritism and Its Impact
Favoritism involves giving preferential treatment to one child over another, often perceived as the "good" child versus the "bad" or "troublemaker." In the context of estrangement, this can manifest as parents praising the non-estranged child while criticizing or speaking negatively about the estranged child.
When a parent favors one child, it can trigger feelings of inadequacy, rejection, and deep-seated hurt in the child who feels less valued. For the estranged adult child, these feelings can become intensified, leading to a sense of being unloved or unworthy. This dynamic can contribute significantly to the initial estrangement and make reconciliation more challenging.
Examples of Favoritism in Estranged Families
Favoritism can take many forms, including:
- Verbal Comparisons: Statements like, "Why can’t you be more like your sister?" or "Your brother never causes me any trouble," can make an estranged child feel perpetually inadequate or at fault for the estrangement.
- Unequal Emotional Support: A parent may show more empathy or understanding towards the non-estranged child, offering support, comfort, and validation, while withholding these from the estranged child.
- Disparities in Financial Support: Providing financial support or gifts to the non-estranged child while refusing similar support to the estranged child sends a clear message of unequal value.
- Public Praise or Criticism: Parents may openly praise the accomplishments of the non-estranged child while criticizing or demeaning the estranged child, both within the family and in public settings.
The Emotional Damage Caused by Favoritism
Favoritism can have devastating emotional consequences for the estranged adult child. Here are some common impacts:
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Deepened Feelings of Rejection and Unworthiness: The estranged child often internalizes the belief that they are "less than" or inherently flawed, which reinforces feelings of shame, guilt, and inadequacy. This can lead to a cycle of self-blame and resentment, making reconciliation with the parent more difficult.
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Intensified Estrangement: When parents favor the non-estranged child, it can validate the estranged child's decision to distance themselves. The estranged child may feel that reconciliation would only perpetuate feelings of inferiority or reinforce a damaging family dynamic.
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Compounded Grief and Loss: Estranged children often grieve the loss of a relationship they hoped to have with their parent. When favoritism is evident, this grief is compounded by the realization that they are viewed as the "lesser" child, amplifying feelings of sadness, anger, and despair.
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Strained Sibling Relationships: Favoritism creates a divide between siblings, fostering competition, jealousy, and resentment. The favored child may feel guilt or shame for being treated better, while the estranged child feels resentful and alienated. This dynamic can permanently damage the sibling relationship.
Moving Forward
For estranged families to heal, it is crucial for parents to acknowledge and address the impact of favoritism. This begins with self-reflection and a commitment to change. In the next part of this series, we will explore the lifelong effects of favoritism on adult children and their sibling relationships.
