When you’re an estranged parent, the instinct to fix things can feel overwhelming. It’s only natural to want to mend the rift, to reach out, to prove your love in every possible way. You may find yourself over-apologizing, over-texting, or constantly strategizing ways to bring your adult child back into your life. But often, the harder we push, the further away our loved ones seem to drift.
This is where Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory comes in. It’s a concept that may feel counterintuitive at first, but it can also be deeply freeing. Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do for others—and for ourselves—is to simply let them be.
In this post, we’ll dive into how “Let Them Be” applies to estranged relationships, why letting go of control is an essential part of healing, and how to redirect your energy toward your own growth and peace.
What is the “Let Them” Theory?
At its core, the Let Them Theory is about acceptance. It’s the idea that we don’t need to control or manage other people’s choices. If someone isn’t responding to your texts, let them. If someone isn’t ready to include you in their life, let them. If someone is making choices you don’t agree with, let them.
The focus shifts from trying to control external outcomes to cultivating internal peace. This doesn’t mean giving up or abandoning relationships—it means releasing the pressure and trusting the process.
For Estranged Parents, This Might Look Like:
- Letting Your Adult Child Take Space: Respecting their need for distance, even if it’s painful.
- Not Forcing Contact: Avoiding behaviors like repeated calls or messages that can feel like pressure rather than love.
- Allowing Them to Feel Their Emotions: Even if their feelings are hard to hear, giving them the freedom to process their own experiences.
When you let them make their choices, you’re not walking away from the relationship—you’re creating space for it to grow naturally.
Why Letting Them Be is Hard (But Necessary)
Letting them be can feel impossible, especially for parents who love deeply and want the best for their children. Estranged parents often feel caught in a cycle of fear, guilt, and anxiety that makes relinquishing control even harder.
Common Reasons Parents Struggle to Let Them Be:
- Anxiety: The fear of losing your child forever can make it hard to trust that space and time are necessary for healing.
- Guilt: Parents may feel they are solely to blame for the estrangement and believe they must take immediate action to make amends.
- Fear of Uncertainty: Not knowing if or when reconciliation will happen can feel unbearable, prompting a need to ‘fix’ things quickly.
However, pushing for reconciliation often has the opposite effect. It can make your adult child feel pressured, overwhelmed, or unheard, causing them to withdraw even further.
Letting them be doesn’t mean you stop loving your child or stop wanting a relationship. It means shifting your focus from what you can’t control—their feelings and actions—to what you can: your own healing.
The Power of Letting Them Be
When you embrace the “Let Them” mindset from a place of compassion vs snarkiness or 'I'll show you' perspective, a transformation begins. Letting them be doesn’t mean losing hope; it means creating space for peace, trust, and growth to take root.
Here’s What Letting Them Be Can Do for You:
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Regain Peace
Letting them be allows you to step off the emotional rollercoaster of constantly analyzing, worrying, and strategizing. Instead of obsessing over what your adult child is doing—or not doing—you can redirect your energy toward self-care, reflection, and healing. -
Open the Door for Trust
Trust is a critical element of any relationship, but it takes time to build, especially after estrangement. By letting go of control, you demonstrate respect for your adult child’s autonomy, which can help rebuild trust in the long term. -
Heal Yourself
Letting them be creates emotional space for your own growth. Instead of being consumed by the estrangement, you can focus on exploring your own feelings, addressing unresolved wounds, and becoming the best version of yourself.
Practical Steps to Embrace “Let Them”
If you’re ready to let them but aren’t sure where to start, here are some actionable steps to help you embrace the Let Them mindset:
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Acknowledge Your Emotions
Letting them be doesn’t mean suppressing your feelings. Take time to sit with your emotions—whether it’s sadness, anger, or fear—and honor them as valid parts of your experience. -
Set Boundaries for Yourself
Commit to behaviors that support letting go. For example, decide to limit how often you text or call your adult child. Setting these boundaries isn’t about cutting ties; it’s about respecting their space and protecting your own peace. -
Focus on Your Healing
Use this time to explore your own patterns, beliefs, and behaviors. Journaling, therapy, or joining a support group can be powerful tools for self-discovery and growth. -
Practice Mindfulness
Letting them be requires staying present in the moment. Practices like meditation, deep breathing, or simply taking a walk can help you find calm when anxiety arises. -
Find Meaningful Ways to Fill Your Time
Redirecting your energy toward activities that bring you joy and fulfillment can ease the pain of estrangement. Consider hobbies, volunteer work, or spending time with supportive friends and family.
The Balance Between Hope and Acceptance
One of the most challenging aspects of letting them be is finding the balance between hope and acceptance. It’s okay to hope for reconciliation—it’s a natural and loving desire. But hope becomes healthier when it’s paired with acceptance of the present reality.
Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up; it means recognizing that you can’t force someone else’s timeline or choices. It means trusting that, by focusing on your own growth and healing, you’re creating the best possible foundation for future connection.
Final Thoughts
The Let Them Theory offers a profound yet simple truth: Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them make their own choices. This doesn’t mean you stop caring or stop hoping—it means you let go of the need to control, and in doing so, you free yourself to heal.
By embracing “Let Them,” you can:
- Reclaim your peace and emotional energy.
- Create space for trust to rebuild naturally.
- Focus on becoming the person you want to be, not just for your adult child, but for yourself.
Estrangement is a painful journey, but letting your adult child be can be a powerful step toward healing—for both you and your adult child.
As you reflect on what matters most, remember that sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let them be—and let yourself grow in the process.
If you are seeking support in learning more about how to implement 'Let Them Be' in your estrangement, please reach out. Support is available.
