When Curiosity is Lost: Why Estranged Parents Struggle to Hear Their Adult Children’s Pain
As a certified family estrangement coach, I’ve seen countless examples of relationships strained and broken due to one missing element: curiosity. When estranged adult children approach their parents with complaints or concerns, it’s often met with defensiveness, dismissal, or even silence. This lack of curiosity isn’t about ill intent—it’s rooted in generational patterns, unprocessed trauma, and a misunderstanding of what it takes to rebuild trust.
Let’s dive deeper into why curiosity fades and how it can be reignited to heal broken relationships.
The Natural Curiosity of Children
Curiosity is one of the most beautiful traits of childhood. From asking why the sky is blue to wondering why family members act the way they do, children approach the world with unfiltered curiosity. But as parents, we don’t always respond to those questions with openness.
When a child’s curiosity touches a sensitive nerve, it can feel threatening. For example, a child might ask, “Why don’t we talk to Uncle Joe anymore?” If the parent hasn’t processed their own feelings about that relationship, the response might be to shut the conversation down. Over time, this teaches the child that asking questions—especially difficult ones—is not something ok to do and is not safe.
How Society Suppresses Curiosity
It’s not just families that discourage curiosity. Society reinforces this pattern. In school, children are often rewarded for following rules, staying quiet, and doing as they’re told. At home, phrases like “Do as I say, not as I do” further condition children to prioritize obedience over understanding.
When these children grow into adults and begin questioning family dynamics or challenging old patterns, parents can feel unprepared or defensive. For many parents, these challenges can feel like a direct attack, rather than an opportunity for growth.
Generational Patterns and the Loss of Curiosity
Generational expectations play a significant role in how parents respond to their adult children’s concerns. Silent and Boomer generation parents, for example, were often raised to equate obedience with respect. They were taught never to question authority, whether it was a parent, teacher, coach or religious leader.
Now, as their children and grandchildren ask difficult questions or challenge family traditions, these parents can feel blindsided. Without a model for how to handle these moments constructively, they may retreat into defensiveness or try to shut down the conversation altogether.
Why Empathy Is Missing
Empathy and curiosity are deeply connected. When parents lack curiosity, it often signals a deeper disconnection from empathy. But why is this so common?
- Unacknowledged Pain: Many parents have never explored their own emotional wounds. Without understanding their pain, it’s hard to empathize with someone else’s.
- Discomfort with Vulnerability: Empathy requires parents to sit with their child’s pain, which can feel overwhelming if they’re (the parents) used to avoiding difficult emotions.
- Shame and Guilt: When an adult child expresses hurt or dissatisfaction, some parents hear it as a criticism of their parenting. This can trigger feelings of shame or guilt, leading to defensiveness instead of understanding.
The Ripple Effects of Suppressed Curiosity
When parents respond to their adult children’s concerns without curiosity or empathy, it creates emotional distance. Adult children may feel unheard or invalidated, leading to a breakdown in trust.
Estrangement often isn’t caused by one major event. It’s a series of moments where opportunities for connection are missed. A child’s pain is dismissed. Their questions are met with defensiveness. Over time, these small fractures grow into larger cracks.
Rebuilding Curiosity and Empathy
The good news? It’s never too late to learn. Parents can rebuild curiosity and empathy with intentional effort.
- Pause Before Reacting: When your adult child comes to you with a concern, take a moment to breathe before responding. Ask yourself, “What are they really trying to tell me?”
- Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of shutting down the conversation, invite it to continue. Questions like, “Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?” show that you’re willing to listen.
- Get Comfortable with Discomfort: Growth happens outside of your comfort zone. Lean into the discomfort of difficult conversations—it’s where healing begins.
- Explore Your Own Story: Reflect on your triggers and unprocessed wounds. Therapy or coaching can help you understand why certain topics feel so challenging and provide you with a safe space to express and explore your feelings.
- Practice Empathy Daily: Small acts of empathy—like truly listening without interrupting—can make a big difference over time.
Why Curiosity Matters
Curiosity is the gateway to understanding. When parents approach their adult children’s concerns with curiosity, it creates a space for honesty, vulnerability, and trust. It shows the adult child that their experiences matter and that their pain is seen.
Rebuilding a relationship after estrangement takes time, patience, and humility. But by cultivating curiosity and empathy, parents can begin to repair the foundation of trust and connection.
Final Thoughts
Estranged parents, here’s my invitation to you: The next time your adult child comes to you with a concern or complaint, pause. Instead of reacting defensively, try responding with curiosity. Ask questions. Lean into the discomfort. And most importantly, listen with an open heart.
Healing is possible. It starts with the courage to ask, “Can you help me understand?”
Are you ready to take the next step in your journey? Whether through coaching, support groups, or individual reflection, there are tools and resources to help you rebuild trust and connection with your adult child. Let’s walk this path together.
