Divorce and Estrangement: Understanding the Deeper Impact on Children and Adult Children
Divorce is often seen as a split between two adults, but its effects ripple through the entire family system. While many parents believe that their child’s estrangement is solely due to the divorce itself, the truth is more complex and nuanced. Children—whether young or grown—experience the ending of their parents’ relationship in deeply personal ways, often carrying emotional wounds that may not surface until years later.
Some parents assume their child should now understand, especially if they have become parents themselves. But parenthood doesn’t always bring the clarity or forgiveness that parents hope for. Instead, it can cause adult children to reflect even more deeply on their own childhood, sometimes intensifying their unresolved pain.
This post explores why divorce can be a contributing factor to estrangement, how children and adult children experience divorce differently than their parents, and why shifting your perspective can make all the difference in reconciliation.
The Emotional Impact of Divorce on Children and Adult Children
Divorce Through the Eyes of a Child
For a child, divorce isn’t just about two parents going their separate ways—it’s about their entire world shifting in ways they cannot control. Even in amicable divorces, children experience feelings of loss, uncertainty, and sometimes even guilt.
- Loss of stability – The home environment they once knew is suddenly different. Schedules change, living arrangements shift, and routines they depended on may no longer exist.
- Fear of abandonment – Many children fear that if their parents can stop loving each other, they could also stop loving them.
- Internalized guilt – Some children believe the divorce is their fault, thinking, "Maybe if I had behaved better, they wouldn’t have split up."
- Pressure to choose sides – Even when parents try to remain neutral, children often feel caught in the middle. They may struggle with loyalty conflicts, wondering if they are allowed to love both parents equally.
- Becoming the emotional caretaker – Some children take on a caretaker role, comforting one or both parents. They may hide their own sadness or confusion to avoid burdening the parent who appears more vulnerable.
Parents going through a divorce often don’t recognize these emotional struggles in the moment. And understandably so—divorce comes with its own heartbreak, stress, and survival-mode thinking. But years later, when estrangement happens, it’s important to reflect on whether your own pain made it difficult to fully see your child’s.
Divorce Through the Eyes of an Adult Child
Many adult children don’t fully process their parents’ divorce until much later in life. As kids, they may have gone along with what was expected—splitting time between two households, adapting to new partners, trying not to make waves. But as adults, they may look back with new insight and realize wounds they hadn’t acknowledged before.
- Delayed grief – Children often suppress their emotions during a divorce because they don’t feel safe expressing them. But those feelings don’t disappear. As adults, they may begin to feel the full weight of what was lost.
- Reflection on past family dynamics – An adult child may now see patterns they didn’t recognize as a child. Did one parent badmouth the other? Did they feel like a pawn in the separation? Were they given emotional space to express their own feelings, or were they expected to support a struggling parent?
- Trust and relationship struggles – Some adult children struggle to trust romantic partners or fear commitment because of what they witnessed in their parents’ marriage and divorce. If they never had their emotions validated during childhood, they may struggle to understand their own needs and boundaries in relationships.
- A need for accountability – Many estranged adult children don’t necessarily want blame, but they do want acknowledgment. If a parent dismisses their child’s experience by saying, "You were fine, you got through it," or, "I did what I had to do," it can deepen the wound rather than heal it.
This is where estrangement sometimes begins—not necessarily because of the divorce itself, but because the child feels unheard or dismissed when they finally try to talk about their experience.
Why "It’s Just Because I Got Divorced" Is an Oversimplification
When estranged parents say, "The only reason my child is treating me this way is because I divorced their mom/dad," they may not realize how dismissive that statement sounds to their child. While the divorce may have been a contributing factor, the real issue is often the emotional experience of the divorce, not the divorce itself.
Here’s why this belief is unhelpful:
- It assumes estrangement is about one single event. Divorce might have been the catalyst, but estrangement is usually the result of accumulated emotional pain and unmet needs over time.
- It dismisses the child’s perspective. Your child isn’t saying, "I’m mad because you got divorced." They may be saying, "I have unresolved pain from how the divorce shaped my life, and I don’t feel like you ever really saw that."
- It prevents deeper healing. If a parent only sees divorce as the ‘reason’ for estrangement, they may not explore the other underlying issues that need addressing.
A more helpful approach is to ask, "What was my child’s experience of the divorce? Did they have the space to grieve? Did I unintentionally overlook their emotional needs while I was dealing with my own pain?"
Why Adulthood and or Parenthood Doesn’t Automatically Bring Understanding
One of the biggest frustrations I hear from estranged parents is, "They are adults and have kids now—why don’t they understand?" It’s understandable to think that once your adult child becomes a parent, they’ll finally see how hard parenting is and soften their stance. But the reality isn’t always that simple.
- Parenthood doesn’t erase childhood wounds. If anything, becoming a parent can make an adult child more aware of their own childhood pain. Instead of feeling empathy for their parents’ choices, they may feel even more determined to parent differently.
- It’s not about blame—it’s about healing. Your child isn’t necessarily holding grudges. They may simply be processing their own emotions in ways that don’t align with what you expected.
- Validation is more powerful than explanation. Instead of saying, "You’ll understand when your kids are older," try saying, "I’d love to hear how your experiences as a parent have shaped your thoughts about family."
Parenthood is not a ‘fix’ for estrangement. But meaningful conversations and emotional validation can be.
How Parents Can Shift Their Perspective
If you believe divorce played a role in estrangement, what can you do?
- Acknowledge the long-term impact of divorce. Instead of brushing past it, sit with the reality that it shaped your child’s world.
- Validate your child’s emotions without defensiveness. Their perspective is their truth. Honor it.
- Reflect on your own availability during the divorce. Were you grieving in ways that made it hard to see your child’s pain?
- Recognize that parenthood won’t automatically make them understand. Give them space to process in their own time.
- Ask open-ended questions and listen. Instead of trying to explain your choices, try saying, "I wonder how the divorce felt for you as a kid. I’d love to understand your experience better."
Final Thoughts
Divorce leaves a lasting impact on everyone involved, but it doesn’t have to mean permanent estrangement. The key to healing is curiosity, validation, and willingness to see things from your child’s perspective. If you’ve been holding onto the belief that your child estranged because of the divorce alone, I encourage you to take a step back and consider the full picture.
Healing isn’t about defending the past—it’s about understanding it. And that understanding can open the door to reconciliation.
If this blog post resonated with you, I invite you to share your thoughts or reach out for support. Healing is possible, and you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. 💙
