When you're estranged from your adult child, the desire to heal the relationship can feel all-consuming. You want answers, you want to make amends, and most of all, you want things to go back to the way they were. But the truth is, pushing and prodding for faster reconciliation isn’t helping—and it may even be creating more distance.
In my work as an estrangement coach, I’ve seen countless mothers who are desperate to reconnect with their adult children, and it’s completely understandable. The pain of estrangement is immense, and the uncertainty about whether the relationship will ever be repaired adds to the anxiety. But here’s something I’ve learned from my own personal journey and from working with clients: Reconciliation happens, more often than not, on the timeline of the person who made the decision to estrange.
Why Do We Push for Reconciliation?
Pushing for faster reconciliation often stems from deep emotions like desperation, fear, and guilt. Estranged mothers feel the weight of the unknown—"Why did my child cut me off? Will we ever be close again? How do I fix this?" These questions lead to a sense of urgency and a strong desire to push for answers and for the relationship to be restored as quickly as possible.
Many mothers experience anxiety because they have no control over the reconciliation process. Without the ability to control when or how their child will return to the relationship, they feel helpless. The fear that the estrangement will never end causes them to push even harder, leading to an unintentional strain on the already fragile relationship.
Another factor that drives this need to push is guilt. Mothers tend to carry a lot of guilt about what went wrong in the relationship and want to "get on with it"—to make amends, fix things, and put the past behind them.
The Importance of Space in the Healing Process
But here’s the reality: Healing and reconciliation require space. Your adult child’s journey is their own, and pushing them to reconcile before they’re ready will only make things worse. Imagine if someone were pressuring you to do something you weren’t ready for—how would you react? Most likely, you’d pull away. Generally the desire to retreat vs coming closer is what happens when we feel pushed or pressured.
Giving your child space allows them to heal in their own time, and this is crucial for rebuilding trust. Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, and when trust is broken, it takes time (and generally lots of it!) to repair. Just as a relationship can’t be fixed overnight, trust can’t be restored in a moment. It requires consistent actions over time and the patience to let healing unfold naturally.
I often use the metaphor of a couple dealing with a breach of trust—imagine a husband who had an affair and is desperate for his wife to forgive him. He might say, “I’ve done everything you’ve asked! What more can I do?” But the wife, having had her trust broken, will likely respond, “This is going to take time. You broke my trust, and I need to see consistent change before I can feel safe with you again.”
Now, apply this to the parent-child relationship. Your adult child needs time to heal from whatever caused the estrangement. Pushing them to reconcile quickly won’t rebuild trust—it will only create more distance.
Strategies to Manage the Urge to Push
So, what do you do when the desire to push becomes overwhelming? Here are a few strategies to help manage those emotions:
- Journaling
Journaling is a powerful tool to release pent-up emotions and reflect on what’s driving your need to push. When you write about your feelings, you give yourself the space to process them without acting on the urge to push your child. Ask yourself, 'What am I feeling right now? Where is this urge coming from? When have I felt this way before?' This reflection can help you better understand your emotions and soothe the anxiety that comes with waiting.
- Joining Support Groups
Estrangement can feel incredibly isolating, but you’re not alone. Joining a support group of other estranged parents can provide you with comfort and a sense of community. Hearing other mothers share similar experiences can remind you that patience is part of the healing process. Plus, being part of a group can reduce the pressure to act impulsively on your own emotions.
- Coaching
Working with a coach can help you navigate the complicated emotions around estrangement. In my coaching practice, I guide mothers through a process called “practicing the pause,” which means learning how to wait and give your child the space they need. Coaching can help you stay focused on your own healing while patiently waiting for your child to be ready to reconnect. (And sometimes coaching clients have direct access to the coach to assist with these moments between coaching sessions.)
My Own Journey with Pushing
In my personal journey, I struggled with the need to push for reconciliation. I wanted my daughters to return to the relationship quickly so we could come back into relationship, and I believed that the faster we reconciled, the better things would be. But through therapy, I learned that my need to push came from my own anxiety. I wanted to feel in control of the situation because it helped soothe my fear of uncertainty.
What I realized is that my pushing wasn’t about helping them—it was about helping myself. Once I let go of the need to control the situation (which came about by way of having 'done the work' to heal my own hurts, pains and wounds) and gave my daughters the space they needed, we were able to start healing, but on their terms.
Focus on Your Own Healing
While your child is on their journey of healing, this is an opportunity for you to focus on your own. I encourage mothers to work on themselves during this waiting period. Take the time to peel back the layers of your life, reflect on your own childhood experiences, and understand how they may have impacted your relationship with your child. Heal from your own wounds so that when your child returns, they come back to a mother who has grown, healed, and is ready to meet them with empathy and understanding.
Final Thoughts: Reconciliation Requires Patience
Rebuilding a relationship after estrangement takes time, patience, and trust. Pushing for faster reconciliation will only create more distance between you and your child. By giving them the space they need to heal on their timeline, you are creating an environment where trust can be rebuilt, and the relationship can be restored naturally.
In the meantime, focus on your own healing journey. When your child is ready, they will return to a mother who has done the inner work and is prepared for a healthy, loving relationship.
