Sept. 25, 2024

Rebuilding Trust: A Guide for Estranged Parents and Adult Children

Trust is the foundation of every meaningful relationship. When it’s intact, trust allows us to feel safe, connected, and understood by those we care about most. But when trust is broken, especially in a parent-child relationship, the emotional fallout can be devastating. For many estranged families, the loss of trust is a primary factor in their separation, making reconciliation feel nearly impossible. However, it’s important to know that while rebuilding trust is challenging, it is also possible.

If you’re an estranged parent or an adult child trying to navigate the painful waters of a broken relationship, this post will guide you through understanding why trust breaks down, what is needed to rebuild it, and actionable steps to begin restoring trust in your relationship.

Why Does Trust Break Down?

Before we dive into how to rebuild trust, it’s important to understand why it breaks down in the first place. In my work as a family estrangement coach, I’ve seen that trust rarely breaks due to one singular event. It’s often the result of an accumulation of unmet emotional needs, broken promises, miscommunications, or unaddressed conflicts over time.

Here are a few common reasons why trust breaks down between parents and adult children:

Emotional Neglect
Many adult children report that while their material needs were met growing up, their emotional needs were not. Parents may have unintentionally neglected their child’s emotional world, either by not being present, not validating their feelings, or by not providing emotional support during difficult times. Over time, this creates a sense of emotional disconnection, which erodes trust.
Broken Promises
Trust can also be broken when parents fail to follow through on promises or commitments. Whether it’s something as simple as not showing up when expected or as significant as failing to provide support during a crucial moment, these broken promises can lead to feelings of betrayal in the adult child.
Lack of Accountability
Trust further breaks down when parents refuse to acknowledge their mistakes or the pain they may have caused. For adult children, it’s not necessarily the mistakes themselves that damage the relationship—it’s the unwillingness to take responsibility. When a parent dismisses their child’s feelings or avoids accountability, it deepens the rift between them.
Over-Control or Boundary Violations
Some estranged adult children feel their parents were too controlling or didn’t respect their boundaries. Even when this control comes from a place of care or concern, it can lead to resentment and mistrust. Adult children want to feel seen as independent individuals, and when parents impose their will or opinions, it can create emotional distance.

What Adult Children Need to Rebuild Trust

One of the most common questions I hear from parents is, “How can I get my child to trust me again?” The answer lies in understanding what your adult child needs to feel safe enough to begin trusting you again. Rebuilding trust doesn’t happen overnight, but there are specific things that adult children often need in order to begin that process.

Validation of Their Feelings
For many adult children, the first step to rebuilding trust is knowing that their emotional experiences have been acknowledged and validated by their parents. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say, but it does mean you recognize and respect their feelings. A simple statement like, “I hear that you felt unsupported, and I’m sorry for that,” can go a long way toward mending trust.
Consistency Over Time
Trust is built through consistency. Adult children need to see that their parent’s behavior aligns with their words. This means following through on promises, showing up reliably, and being emotionally available over time. Rebuilding trust is not about grand gestures; it’s about small, consistent actions that demonstrate your commitment to the relationship.
Taking Accountability
One of the most important things adult children need to rebuild trust is for their parents to take accountability for past mistakes. This could be acknowledging times when you may have been emotionally distant, overly controlling, or dismissive of their feelings. Taking responsibility for your actions, without defensiveness or excuses, helps your child feel validated and respected.
Empathy and Emotional Support
Adult children want to feel that their parents are genuinely interested in their emotional lives. This means listening with empathy and being willing to offer emotional support, even when it’s difficult. Empathy allows your child to feel understood and connected to you on a deeper level, which is crucial for rebuilding trust.

Practical Steps to Rebuild Trust

Now that we understand why trust breaks down and what adult children need, let’s explore some practical steps for parents who want to begin the process of rebuilding trust with their estranged child.

Start with Accountability
The first step is often the hardest—taking responsibility for your role in the estrangement. This requires humility and vulnerability. You may not have intended to hurt your child, but acknowledging that your actions or words caused pain is essential. You could say something like, “I realize that I didn’t listen to you the way I should have, and I’m sorry for that.”
Offer a Sincere Apology
A genuine apology is a powerful way to begin repairing trust. Be specific about what you’re apologizing for, express regret, and offer to make things right. For example, “I regret that I didn’t respect your boundaries, and I’m committed to doing better moving forward.”
Consistent, Small Actions
Trust is rebuilt slowly, one small step at a time. Focus on showing up consistently in ways that matter to your child. This might mean regularly checking in without expectations, offering support without imposing your own agenda, or simply being present in their life as they need you to be. Your child needs to see that they can rely on you over time.
Respect Their Boundaries
If your child has set boundaries, it’s critical that you respect them. Pushing against or ignoring their boundaries will only reinforce their mistrust. Instead, acknowledge their boundaries and ask what you can do to support them in a way that feels safe for them.
Be Patient with the Process
Rebuilding trust takes time, especially if the rupture has been deep or long-standing. Don’t expect immediate results or for things to go back to the way they were overnight. Give your child the space and time they need to process the repair, and continue showing up in ways that demonstrate your commitment to healing.

Signs That Trust Is Being Rebuilt

As you begin taking steps to rebuild trust, you may wonder how to gauge if the process is working. While it’s different for every relationship, here are some common signs that trust is being restored:

Increased Openness: If your child begins to open up more emotionally or shares aspects of their life with you, it’s a sign that they’re starting to feel emotionally safe again.
More Willingness to Communicate: If your child is more willing to engage in conversations or spend time with you, it indicates they are starting to trust you more.
Less Defensiveness: A reduction in defensive communication and more openness to constructive conversations is a positive sign.
Respect for Boundaries: When both parties respect each other’s boundaries, it’s a clear sign that trust is being rebuilt and that the relationship is on a healthier path.

Trust Is Earned Over Time

Rebuilding trust after estrangement is not an easy task, but it is possible with commitment, patience, and empathy. For parents, the key is to take accountability, offer validation, and consistently show up in ways that demonstrate emotional reliability. For adult children, it’s about allowing space for the repair process and gradually opening up when they feel safe.

Trust isn’t rebuilt in a single conversation—it’s earned over time. But by taking small, intentional steps toward healing, estranged parents and adult children can begin to repair their relationship and rebuild the trust that was once lost.

If you’re navigating the journey of estrangement and want to take the first steps toward healing, start by reflecting on how trust was broken and what small, consistent actions you can take to begin rebuilding it today.