The Crucial Distinction Between Labeling a Person and Their Behavior in Estranged Relationships

As an estrangement coach and consultant, I work with countless parents and adult children who find themselves entangled in the painful web of estrangement. One of the most common and damaging issues I encounter in this space is the use of harmful labels. Phrases like "My mom is toxic" or "My adult child is a narcissist" are often used in attempts to explain or justify estrangement. However, these labels do more harm than good, not only to the individuals being labeled but also to the overall dynamic of the relationship. Understanding the distinction between labeling a person and labeling their behavior is crucial in fostering healing and reconciliation.

The Power of Labels

Labels have a profound impact on how we perceive others and ourselves. When we label someone as "toxic" or "a narcissist," we reduce their entire identity to a negative trait. This not only dehumanizes them but also makes it nearly impossible to see any positive qualities they might possess. Furthermore, it creates a fixed mindset where change and growth are deemed unlikely or impossible.

For example, consider the statement "My mom is toxic." This label suggests that toxicity is an inherent and unchangeable part of her identity. It implies that every action she takes and every word she speaks is tainted by this toxicity. Similarly, calling an adult child "a narcissist" implies that narcissism is their core characteristic, overshadowing any other aspects of their personality.

The Damage Caused by Labels

Using such labels can be incredibly damaging for several reasons:

1. Dehumanization: When we reduce someone to a label, we strip away their humanity. They become nothing more than a collection of negative traits in our eyes. This makes empathy and understanding difficult, if not impossible.

2. Fixed Mindset: Labels create a fixed mindset, which assumes that people cannot change. This mindset can prevent us from seeing any efforts the other person might be making to improve or mend the relationship.

3. Self-Fulfilling Prophecies: When someone is constantly labeled negatively, they may start to believe these labels themselves. This can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy where they act in ways that reinforce the label.

4. Barriers to Communication: Labels create barriers to open and honest communication. When someone feels unfairly labeled, they are likely to become defensive and less willing to engage in meaningful dialogue.

The Importance of Distinguishing Behavior from Identity

To foster healing and reconciliation, it is crucial to distinguish between a person and their behavior. Instead of saying "My mom is toxic," it is more constructive to say, "My mom's behavior is often hurtful and harmful to me." Instead of labeling an adult child as "a narcissist," it is more helpful to say, "My adult child exhibits narcissistic behaviors."

This distinction is important for several reasons:

1. Focus on Specific Behaviors: By focusing on specific behaviors rather than labeling the entire person, we can address the actual issues at hand. This makes it easier to identify patterns and work on changing them.

2. Room for Change: Recognizing that behaviors can change allows for the possibility of growth and improvement. It opens the door for the person to work on their behaviors without feeling that their entire identity is being attacked.

3. Empathy and Understanding: When we separate behaviors from identity, it is easier to empathize with the person. We can understand that they might be struggling with their own issues and that their harmful behaviors are not the entirety of who they are.

4. Constructive Communication: Addressing specific behaviors rather than labeling the person creates a more conducive environment for constructive communication. It reduces defensiveness and makes it easier to have honest and productive conversations.

How to Shift from Labeling to Describing Behaviors

Shifting from labeling to describing behaviors requires mindfulness and practice. Here are some steps to help make this shift:

1. Be Specific: Instead of using broad labels, describe the specific behaviors that are problematic. For example, instead of saying "My mom is toxic," say, "When my mom criticizes me in front of others, it makes me feel belittled and hurt."

2. Use "I" Statements: Frame your concerns in terms of how the behaviors affect you. This reduces the likelihood of the other person feeling attacked. For example, "I feel disrespected when you interrupt me during conversations."

3. Seek to Understand: Try to understand the underlying reasons for the other person's behavior. This does not excuse harmful actions but can provide context and open the door for empathy and resolution.

4. Encourage Positive Change: Focus on what changes you would like to see and how they can benefit the relationship. For example, "It would mean a lot to me if we could have more respectful conversations where we both feel heard."

Conclusion

In the journey toward healing and reconciliation, the language we use matters immensely. By distinguishing between labeling a person and their behavior, we create space for empathy, understanding, and positive change. It is a challenging shift to make, especially in the context of deep-seated estrangement, but it is a vital step toward mending relationships and fostering a healthier dynamic. Remember, we are all more than our worst behaviors, and recognizing this truth is key to rebuilding broken bonds.