What Is Your Relationship Resume?

In our professional lives, we meticulously craft our resumes to highlight our skills, experiences, and accomplishments. We reflect on our strengths, identify areas for improvement, and tailor our resumes to showcase our best selves. But have you ever considered what your "relationship resume" with your adult child might look like? This concept involves examining your relationship dynamics, understanding the narratives you tell yourself, and assessing how these factors shape your interactions. As a family estrangement coach, I believe that evaluating your relationship resume can provide valuable insights and help you navigate the complexities of your connection with your adult child.

What Is Your Relationship to the Relationship?

Your relationship with your adult child is not a static entity; it is a dynamic, evolving interaction influenced by both parties. To understand your relationship resume, it's essential to reflect on your relationship to the relationship itself. This means considering how you perceive, approach, and engage in your interactions. Here are some key questions to guide this reflection:

1. How Do You View Your Role?

   • Are you a guide, a supporter, or a controller in your child's life?
   • Do you see yourself as an equal partner in the relationship, or do you feel the need to take charge?

2. What Are Your Expectations?

   • Do you have specific expectations for how your child should behave, think, or feel?
   • How do these expectations influence your interactions and the overall relationship?

3. How Do You Handle Conflict?

   • Are you open to discussing and resolving conflicts constructively?
   • Do you tend to avoid conflict, or do you find yourself becoming defensive or aggressive?

4. What Are Your Emotional Patterns?

   • How do your emotions impact your interactions? Are you often anxious, angry, or calm and composed?
   • Do you express your emotions openly, or do you suppress them?

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

The narratives we construct about our relationships play a significant role in shaping our perceptions and behaviors. These stories are often influenced by our past experiences, fears, and expectations. Reflecting on the stories you tell yourself about your relationship with your adult child can reveal underlying patterns and beliefs that may need addressing. Consider the following:

1. The Blame Game:

   • Are you attributing the estrangement or conflicts solely to your child's actions or behavior?
   • Do you find yourself thinking, "If only they would change, everything would be better"?

2. The Victim Mentality:

   • Do you see yourself as a victim in the relationship, feeling powerless and wronged?
   • Are you constantly recounting how much you've sacrificed or how unfairly you've been treated?

3. The Idealization Trap:

   • Are you holding onto an idealized version of your relationship, comparing it to an unrealistic standard?
   • Do you struggle to accept the reality of your current relationship dynamics?

4. The Control Narrative:

   • Do you believe that maintaining control over your child's life is necessary for their well-being?
   • Are you telling yourself that you know what's best for them, even if it means disregarding their autonomy?

Making Sense of Your Relationship Resume with a Family Estrangement Coach

An experienced family estrangement coach can be instrumental in helping you make sense of your relationship resume. By offering an objective perspective and specialized guidance, a coach can assist you in understanding and transforming your relationship dynamics. Here's how:

1. Objective Assessment:

   • A coach can help you objectively assess your relationship resume, identifying strengths and areas for improvement.
   • They can provide insights into how your perceptions, expectations, and behaviors influence your relationship with your adult child.

2. Uncovering Narratives:

   • A coach can guide you in uncovering and examining the stories you tell yourself.
   • They can help you recognize unhelpful or destructive narratives and work towards reframing them in a more constructive light.

3. Developing Emotional Awareness:

   • Coaches can teach you techniques for enhancing emotional awareness and regulation.
   • They can help you understand how your emotions impact your interactions and how to manage them more effectively.

4. Building Communication Skills:

   • Effective communication is crucial for healthy relationships. A coach can help you develop and practice these skills.
   • They can offer strategies for listening actively, expressing yourself clearly, and resolving conflicts constructively.

5. Fostering Empathy and Understanding:

   • A coach can assist you in developing greater empathy and understanding towards your adult child.
   • They can help you see things from your child's perspective, fostering a deeper connection and mutual respect.

6. Setting Realistic Expectations:

   • Unrealistic expectations can strain relationships. A coach can help you set realistic, attainable goals for your relationship.
   • They can guide you in adjusting your expectations to better align with the reality of your relationship dynamics.

Conclusion

Your relationship resume with your adult child is a reflection of your interactions, perceptions, and the stories you tell yourself. By taking the time to examine and understand this resume, you can gain valuable insights into the dynamics of your relationship. With the guidance of an experienced family estrangement coach, you can make sense of these dynamics, uncover and reframe unhelpful narratives, and develop the skills needed to foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship with your adult child. Remember, relationships are not static—they are ever-evolving, and with the right support and self-awareness, positive change is always possible.