In the world of estrangement between parents and adult children, the word “choice” often takes center stage. Parents might feel their child chose to go no contact, leaving them blindsided and heartbroken. On the other hand, adult children may feel that their parents’ actions—or lack of meaningful change—left them with no other option. But what does “choice” really mean in this context? Let’s dive into the emotional complexities and explore how both sides perceive this word so differently.
The Parent’s Perspective: "Why Would They Choose This?" Many parents, when faced with estrangement, find themselves grappling with the idea that their adult child consciously chose to cut them off. It feels like a betrayal, a sudden abandonment that doesn’t make sense. “Why would they choose this?” they ask. From this viewpoint, the “choice” seems harsh and unprovoked—especially if the parent believes they have always acted out of love.
Yet, this is where understanding needs to deepen. Estranged parents may not realize that the decision to go no contact rarely comes out of the blue. Often, it follows repeated attempts by the adult child to communicate their feelings, set boundaries, or ask for change. When these efforts are dismissed, invalidated, or met with defensiveness, the adult child feels pushed into a corner. The “choice” to go no contact becomes a means of self-protection—a way to finally be heard.
The Adult Child’s Perspective: "You Left Me with No Choice." For many estranged adult children, the decision to go no contact is not a first choice but a last resort. It’s a painful, often heart-wrenching decision made after years of feeling unheard or misunderstood. Imagine repeatedly bringing your concerns to someone, only to be told you’re overreacting, being dramatic, or simply wrong. Imagine the frustration of trying to build bridges, only to have them burned down by dismissiveness or denial. At some point, the emotional toll becomes too great, and the need to protect oneself takes precedence.
To the adult child, the "choice" isn’t about cutting someone out; it’s about choosing peace and self-preservation. It’s about finally putting up a boundary that says, “Enough.” It’s a choice born out of necessity, not spite.
The Role of Nuance in Understanding "Choice" What becomes clear is that the word “choice” is loaded with nuance. For parents, it can feel like a sudden, unilateral decision without any basis. For adult children, it can feel like the only possible option after every other avenue has been exhausted. Both sides see a version of the story, but often, they’re not seeing the same story. This is why empathy, curiosity, and willingness to see the gray areas are vital.
Estrangement is not black and white; it’s a complex blend of history, communication breakdowns, unmet needs, and unresolved pain. The need is to recognize this complexity to move forward—whether that’s towards reconciliation or simply finding peace in the present circumstances.
Bridging the Gap: Moving Toward Understanding So, how can we bridge this gap between “They chose to leave” and “You left me with no choice”? It starts with empathy. Parents, try to approach your adult child’s decision with curiosity rather than judgment. Ask yourself, “What might my child have experienced that led them to feel they had no other choice?” Listen, really listen, to what they are saying. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is simply hear someone without the need to respond or defend.
Adult children, reflect on your needs and boundaries, and communicate them clearly when possible. Understand that your parents may be at a different stage of emotional awareness or readiness for change. Patience, while not always easy, can sometimes open doors that were previously closed.
A Call to Compassionate Curiosity The concept of “choice” in estrangement is far more complex than it appears on the surface. Remember, it’s not about assigning blame but about opening a dialogue that allows for healing, whether that means reconciliation or acceptance.
If this topic resonates with you, I invite you to listen to the full podcast episode, where we dive even deeper into the nuances of “choice” and share real stories from both sides of the estrangement journey. If you'd like to learn more about how to understand this further, consider estrangement coaching.
