When We Side With Their Ex

Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, and one of the most challenging situations arises when parents find themselves in the middle of their adult child's breakup or divorce. The temptation to maintain a relationship with an ex-daughter-in-law or ex-son-in-law, especially if there are grandchildren involved or if the relationship with the ex was particularly strong, can be overwhelming. However, siding with an ex over your own adult child can have severe consequences, including estrangement. As a family estrangement coach, I have seen firsthand the dangers of this choice and the pain it can cause. Understanding why this happens, recognizing indirect statements that indicate this choice, and learning how to maintain peace while supporting your adult child are crucial steps in navigating these troubled waters.

The Dangers of Choosing an Ex Over Your Own Child

Choosing an ex-daughter-in-law or ex-son-in-law over your own adult child can send powerful, unintended messages that can damage your relationship with your child. Here are some of the dangers associated with this choice:

1. Betrayal of Trust:

   • Your adult child may feel deeply betrayed and unsupported. This can erode the fundamental trust necessary for a healthy parent-child relationship.

2. Feelings of Rejection:

   • When parents appear to favor an ex over their own child, it can lead to feelings of rejection and inadequacy. The adult child might feel they are not valued or loved as much as the ex.

3. Conflict and Estrangement:

   • This perceived betrayal can escalate conflicts, leading to estrangement. The adult child may distance themselves to protect their emotional well-being.

4. Impact on Mental Health:

   • Feeling unsupported by parents during a difficult breakup or divorce can exacerbate feelings of depression, anxiety, and loneliness in the adult child.

Indirect Statements Indicating Siding with the Ex

Parents often make indirect statements that can inadvertently indicate they are choosing the ex over their own child. Recognizing these can help avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings:

1. Comparisons:

   • “Your ex always knew how to handle situations like this better.”
   • “I never had to remind your ex to do things around the house.”

2. Unsolicited Praise:

   • “Your ex was so wonderful with the kids, wasn’t she/he?”
   • “I miss your ex’s cooking; they really knew how to make family dinners special.”

3. Minimizing Your Child’s Feelings:

   • “It couldn’t have been that bad, your ex always seemed so kind.”
   • “Maybe you’re overreacting, your ex wasn’t all that bad.”

4. Maintaining Close Contact:

   • Regularly updating your child about the ex’s life.
   • Inviting the ex to family events without considering your child’s feelings.

Why the Adult Child Might Choose Estrangement

When parents side with an ex, the adult child may choose estrangement as a way to protect themselves emotionally and psychologically. Here are some reasons why this happens:

1. Emotional Safety:

   • Estrangement can be a form of self-preservation. By distancing themselves, the adult child avoids further emotional harm.

2. Need for Validation:

   • Feeling unsupported, the adult child might seek validation and understanding elsewhere, which can lead to distancing from parents who do not provide that support.

3. Boundary Setting:

   • Choosing estrangement can be a way for the adult child to set firm boundaries, making it clear that their parents' behavior is unacceptable and hurtful.

4. Healing and Recovery:

   • Estrangement might be necessary for the adult child’s healing process, allowing them to focus on their own well-being without the added stress of parental disapproval or favoritism.

Maintaining Peace While Choosing Your Adult Child

Balancing relationships can be challenging, but it is possible to maintain peace while supporting your adult child. Here are some strategies:

1. Open Communication:

   • Have open, honest conversations with your adult child about their feelings and needs. Let them know you support them unconditionally.

2. Empathy and Validation:

   • Validate your child’s feelings and experiences. Acknowledge their pain and frustration without defending the ex.

3. Clear Boundaries:

   • Establish clear boundaries regarding your relationship with the ex. Make it clear to your child that your primary loyalty is to them.

4. Avoid Comparisons:

   • Refrain from comparing your child to their ex. Focus on your child’s strengths and positive qualities.

5. Support Without Taking Sides:

   • You can maintain a polite relationship with the ex, especially if grandchildren are involved, without appearing to take sides. Prioritize your child’s emotional needs in all interactions.

How a Family Estrangement Coach Can Help

Navigating these complex family dynamics can be incredibly challenging, but a family estrangement coach can provide invaluable support and guidance. Here’s how:

1. Objective Perspective:

   • A coach offers an unbiased perspective, helping you understand the impact of your actions and words on your adult child.

2. Emotional Support:

   • Coaches provide a safe space to express your feelings, frustrations, and fears. They offer empathetic support and practical advice.

3. Communication Skills:

   • Coaches teach effective communication skills, helping you engage in open and constructive conversations with your adult child.

4. Boundary Setting:

   • They help you set and maintain healthy boundaries, ensuring your child feels supported and valued.

5. Conflict Resolution:

   • Coaches assist in resolving conflicts and misunderstandings, fostering a healthier and more respectful relationship with your adult child.

Conclusion

Choosing an ex over your own adult child can have devastating effects on your relationship, leading to feelings of betrayal, rejection, and potentially estrangement. Recognizing the subtle ways this choice can manifest and understanding the emotional impact on your child is crucial. By prioritizing your child’s emotional needs, maintaining clear boundaries, and seeking the guidance of a family estrangement coach, you can navigate these challenging dynamics, maintain peace, and support your adult child unconditionally. Remember, your relationship with your child is paramount, and demonstrating unwavering support and understanding is key to fostering a strong, healthy bond.