Our culture celebrates positivity. Social media feeds are full of perfect smiles, inspirational quotes, and advice to “just stay positive.” But what happens when that obsession with happiness becomes a barrier to healing? In the context of parent/adult child estrangement, our aversion to discomfort—what I call the ‘ick’—prevents us from addressing the deeper issues at the root of the conflict.
To heal, we have to face the ‘ick’ in our relationships. It’s not about blame or judgment; it’s about seeing where reforms and repairs are needed and stepping into the work with compassion, courage, and curiosity.
Why Avoiding the ‘Ick’ Keeps Us Stuck
The ‘happy, happy, joy, joy’ mindset encourages us to ignore sadness, grief, and conflict. Phrases like, “Focus on the good times” or “Don’t dwell on the past” dismiss the reality of the pain and prevent us from addressing the underlying issues.
In estranged relationships, this often looks like:
- Parents dismissing their child’s concerns: “Why are you bringing that up now? That’s in the past.”
- Adult children feeling invalidated: “You’re too sensitive,” or, “That never happened.”
Ignoring the pain doesn’t make it go away. It deepens the divide.
Facing the Discomfort
To heal, we must see where the relationship needs repair. This requires courage to face the ‘ick’—the unresolved conflicts, unmet needs, or patterns of behavior that contributed to the estrangement.
How to Stay Out of Fear:
- See feedback as an opportunity, not an attack:
- Instead of: “They’re saying I’m a bad parent,” try: “They’re giving me a chance to understand their perspective.”
- Take small, manageable steps:
- “What’s one thing I can reflect on today?”
How to Be a Constructive Contributor
Healing requires collaboration. Instead of focusing on blame, ask yourself: “How can I contribute to the solution?”
Practical Tips:
- Practice Curiosity: Replace assumptions with questions.
- Instead of: “You always overreact,” try: “Can you help me understand how you’re feeling?”
- Stay Grounded: Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blame.
- “I feel sad when I hear you say that because I didn’t realize it hurt you.”
The Gold in the ‘Ick’
It’s easy to see conflict as something to avoid, but what if we viewed it as an opportunity for growth? Every challenge you face in healing estrangement helps you evolve—not just as a parent, but as a human being.
Reframe the Pain:
- Instead of: “This is too hard,” try: “This is helping me grow.”
- Quote: “The wound is where the light enters you.” – Rumi.
In Conclusion
Facing the ‘ick’ in your relationship isn’t easy, but it’s necessary for healing. By approaching the discomfort with curiosity and compassion, you create space for understanding, growth, and connection.
Remember, the hard work you put into facing the ‘ick’ is gold for the evolution of your soul—and for the transformation of all of your relationships.
If you would like to explore how being supported through this process could be helpful, please reach out about individual coaching and or my support groups.
