Growing Alongside Others

Five Years Behind the Microphone: Growing Alongside The Estranged Heart

The Estranged Heart completes it's fifth year on October 31. Throughout this month, I'm revisiting experiences that have shaped the work. This reflection concerns the actual experience of making the podcast.

There have been changes in my intros and outros, different formats, and the added discomfort of moving into video. The work has been made in a life that isn't polished, by a person who continues to learn how to communicate what matters to her.

I want to give that ordinary history a little room, including its awkwardness and humor.

Beginning without the experience of continuing

The first official episode was released on October 31, 2021. From here, the beginning belongs to a five-year story. The person starting then didn't have those years available to her.

We can forget that difference when we look back. Knowing what followed makes a first attempt easier to understand. At the time, it had to be made without the information that continuing would provide.

Making an episode gives you something actual to consider. You can hear whether a sentence feels natural or whether a format helps the conversation. Some decisions become clearer through experience, and that experience has to begin somewhere.

Finding a way to welcome a listener

An introduction has a practical purpose. It helps someone arriving for the first time understand who they're hearing and what the podcast is about. It also needs to be something I can say comfortably.

A phrase can look fine in writing and feel awkward aloud. The beginning might sound too formal, or it might take too long to bring us into the subject. Adjusting those words is part of helping the podcast sound like the person making it.

An outro brings another question: where does this conversation end? Estrangement is complicated, and there is always more context that could be added. Choosing a stopping point gives the listener a conversation they can follow without pretending that everything about the topic has been settled.

The experience of hearing and seeing myself

Listening to a recorded voice brings attention to details we may not notice while speaking. A pause or a word we use often can suddenly seem far more significant than it is to the listener.

Some adjustments help. A tangled explanation deserves another look. But removing every ordinary feature of speaking can also move the recording away from the conversation I intended to have.

Video introduces another source of self-consciousness. Now I can see myself communicating, including expressions I may not have known I made. Other people have seen me talk all along; seeing it myself is the unfamiliar part.

That discovery leaves room for humor, along with a useful reminder that my reaction isn't the whole meaning of a video. I may notice an expression while the person watching is thinking about the words and how they fit a relationship in their own life.

An awkward moment doesn't need to explain everything

Embarrassment can make a small moment feel like an enormous event. We may remember it much more vividly than anyone else and treat it as evidence that we shouldn't have tried.

With some distance, the same story may become easier to tell. We can laugh with affection for the person doing her best to make something she cared about.

I don't think every such moment needs a profound lesson. Something awkward may suggest a small practical change. It may simply be funny now. Leaving it at that allows the moment to remain an ordinary part of a life.Taking the work seriously doesn't require making every imperfection serious.

Preparing with care in an unpolished life

The podcast reflects my life, but that doesn't remove my responsibility for what I release. If information is inaccurate, it needs attention. An explanation that is hard to follow may need revision. Care with another person's private details remains essential.

A pause or an imperfectly graceful sentence asks something different. I can consider whether changing it improves the listener's understanding or mainly eases my own discomfort with being heard.The recording may be ready before I feel entirely comfortable. Letting it go can be a thoughtful choice made with nerves still present.

Carrying a willingness to learn into year six

Five years of episodes makes a body of work with a history. Some language may need more context now, and some ways of making the podcast will continue changing. I want experience to make me useful without making me unwilling to reconsider.

You may recognize something of this in a part of your own life that has nothing to do with podcasting. Consider where you are asking yourself to appear experienced before you've had the opportunity to become experienced. A first manageable attempt may give you a useful place to begin.