Remembering Isn't Resentment
Relationships accumulate history, and history accumulates meaning. When the same kind of hard conversation happens over and over, across years, it stops being a series of isolated moments. It becomes a pattern.

Relationships accumulate history, and history accumulates meaning. When the same kind of hard conversation happens over and over, across years, it stops being a series of isolated moments. It becomes a pattern.

If shame worked, estrangement wouldn't exist. In order to repair, you need curiosity, which is slower than shame. It's also the only one of the two that's ever actually worked.

Advice says: I already know what this means and what you should do. Curiosity says: help me understand what this is like for you.

The work of healing is learning to separate two questions: What is happening between my child and me? and What is happening inside of me because of it?